Why Toxic People Have A Hold On Us
Why do we allow toxic people into our lives?
Toxic people are smart, but they have the emotional intelligence of a blade of grass. It’s no accident that they choose those who are open-hearted, generous and willing to work at a relationship. When toxic behaviour is in the equation, its only a matter of time before that generous, open-hearted person becomes a broken person.
We believe being the kind hearted people that we are, everyone else must be the same. The thought that some people aren’t is quite horrifying to us as we only see good in others around us.
Toxic people pretent they have your best interests at heart, they wow you with their kindness and generosity and make you feel incredibly good about yourself, they also promise you the world.
The second you are invested in them and they have your trust, the manipluation starts.
Manipulators use under-handed methods to secretly influence someone, with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem friendly or flattering, but in reality, the ulterior motive is always ready to rear its ugly head at any moment,
A few examples of a toxic person include:
Oh I know a few of these, they advise you on what to wear, who you spend time with and how to behave. They want you to conform to their way of thinking and if you don’t, they will critise you, put you down and make you feel worthless, then will make you feel bad for not conforming.
The way you do ‘YOU’ is your decision, Nobody runs your life as good as you do.
These toxic ones will only be available when it suits them, they let you down at a moments notice, tell you they are with family or friends who are in need, that someone desperately needed their help time and time again, leaving you questioning what is really going on, when in reality they are probably out living the good life and just dont want you around. When they need you, you will be there, but don’t think it works both ways, it don’t.
No relationship can withstand this much guesswork.
Manipulators will tell half-truths or straight out lies.
They find your weakness and then they will be the saviour. ‘Don’t worry. I’m here for you.’ They will listen, comfort, and tell you what you want to hear. Then they will ruin you by using your weakness against you.
They change facts of a situation, take things out of context and use your words against you. They twist everything until you start believing them…… DONT!
They will do this until you crack, then they will belittle you for cracking. They tell your secrets, then make you believe it was someone else who did it.
There’s just no way around a manipulator, so dont even try, there will be no resolution and no happy ever after. You will end up in a very dark place.
Kick their useless butts to the kerb.
They always have a reason for not doing what they say. They will outright lie or give you versions of the truth – not a lie, not the truth, just that feeling in your gut that something is off.
You can’t believe a word they say.
They lie to cover a lie.
There’s no honesty, which means there’s no relationship.
The signs might be subtle at first but they will be there. Soon, there will be a cycle of abuse, but you may or may not recognise it for what it is but this is what it looks like:
There will be rising tension. You’ll feel it. You’ll tread carefully and you’ll be scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.
They will say its stress whats causing it, bad day at work, things not going their way and you will believe it, because they are always the victim and will happily blame everyone else for their problems, mainly you.
Eventually, there will be an explosion, you said or did something they didnt like and there will be physical or emotional abuse and it will be terrifying.
At first you’ll make excuses – ‘I shouldn’t have said that/ did that/ gone out/ had an opinion/ said no.
Then the abuser can be overwhelmingly kind and loving when they need to be, but only when they need to be. You’ll be so desperate for things to get better that you’ll believe the apologies, the kindness, the declarations of love, the promises, because you want everything to be right again.
The tension will start to rise again. and over time, the cycle will get shorter and it will happen more often and the explosions will be bigger.
When you’ve finally had enough and they realise they’ve pushed you too far, it will become a challenge to them, they will do absolutely anything in their power to keep you in their grips.
At first they will bombard you with love, they will shower you with compliments, buy you gifts, arrange trips that you’ll love and make you feel extra special. You will feel so grateful by then that you’ll will stay.
That wont last for long, because once that toxic person has you back, the emotional rollercoaster starts again.
But eventually you will start realising a few things:
- You realise that you dont actually care for them anymore.
- You’ve decided that you want to be happy and that happiness is never going to be with them for the long term
- That you are worth being treated like a human being.
It may take a while and you will go back and forth quite a few times and I believe its because its been all you’ve known for such a long time and its scary out there on your own. But remember, you are not on your own, surround yourself with as many people as you can.
When it happens, you will start to remember who you are, the ”YOU’ before someone stole from you and tried to tell you who or what you were.
You will start to believe in yourself and you will never have to question anything again.
You will start to love yourself for the beautiful person that you are.
You will grieve for a while, but you will love again (that may take a while as trust takes a very long time after everything you have been through) But you will love.
And eventually, little by little you will smile more, you will have your own opinions and grow as a person. You will never have to justify yourself to anybody and one day, you will simply live again.
Remember… YOU WILL BE FREE.
The scars you cant see are the hardest to heal.