Dad V Alf Garnett

Golf club prank on my dad

A quick note
There are some profanities throughout this post, if swearing offends you, then do not read further, sorry.

My dad can go from calm to angry in the blink of an eye. He will do anything for you, but the second people cross him, BOOM he’s like a tornado, something to stay clear of.

Anyone who knows my dad on a personal level knows that he’s always had a short temper and won’t take any nonsense, he’s also the most impatient person I know.

But he’s my dad, would fight anyone if they hurt me and would give you the shirt off his back… I wouldn’t be without him.

Quite a few years ago now, My mum and I decided he would be the perfect person to prank
(Mum if you are reading this, You know how this story goes….Does it still make you giggle?)

We had a few ups and downs with him a couple of nightS previous, he wasn’t very happy about us talking loudly while he was trying to sleep and started stuffing plastic bags (you know those plastic bags that we all keep, just in case, like 500 of them stuffed into each other.. lol) underneath the door to the room we were in, hoping it would drown out the noise. What he managed to achieve was barricading us in, we couldn’t open the door and mum was not too happy, although we did eventually find it hilarious, you had to with the dad was.

We decided payback was in order.

The perfect opportunity arose when a friend from work told me she had a prank telephone number, it was an automated voice that responded to anything you said in a realistic timely manner, so you would honestly believe you were talking to a real person on the phone and it just so happened to be Alf garnets voice.

Alf garnet is a fictional character from the British sitcom Til death us do part in case you weren’t aware. His character was played by Warren Mitchell who sadly passed away in 2015.
His character is described as a loud mouthed bigot (he doesn’t agree with anyone who doesn’t support his views and he’s very vocal about that) he swears frequently is obnoxious and doesn’t give a damn if he offends others he’s not afraid to tell people what he thinks of them and can be quite brutal with his words.

Let’s set the scene…

Dad returned from work one evening and he’d previously spoke about buying some golf clubs, so we told him to call this number, as we knew a elderly gentleman who was selling a set he no longer needed, as due to his age, was no longer able to play.

My dad was quite excited and dialed the number. My mum and I walked into the kitchen dining area of our house, which was just down a small hallway from the telephone, (It was a corded landline phone, the rotary ones that seemed to take ages to dial a number) where we were in a prime location to hear the conversation go down.

I forgot to add, we had called the number earlier and listened to the pre-recording, so we knew it word for word.

We were giggling like kids, quietly of course, albeit nervously as we had no idea how he was going to react, but somehow knowing at some point in the conversation, my dad was going to lose his shit big time.

Here’s how it went:

Dad: “Hello”

Alf Garnet: “What do you want”?

Dad: “I’m calling about the golf clubs you’re selling”

Alf Garnet: “Speak up, I cant hear you”.


Alf Garnet: “What?”


Alf Garnett: “Bloody speak up I can’t hear you”.

Dad: “Golf clubs for christ sake” (he’s already gearing up for a fight now)

Alf Garnet: “Hold on a minute, I need
to get my hearing aid”.

Dad; “ok” then huffs

Now my mum and I looked at each other and said in unison, “he’s getting his hearing aid” and burst into silent laughter”

Alf Garnet: “Right, What do you bloody want”?

Dad: “Don’t get funny with me mate, my daughter said you have golf clubs for sale and I’m interested”.

Alf Garnet: “Hold on I can’t hear you, let me turn the tv down”.

Dad: “Bloody hell” was muttered under his breath.

By now it was getting hard to keep our laughter in, with tears in our eyes we continued listening

Alf Garnet: “Right, are you still there?

Dad: “Yeah”

Alf Garnet: Well what do you bloody want? I’m getting fed up with you, why are you calling my number, stop calling my bloody number, now piss off”

Dad: “Don’t tell me to piss off, YOU piss off, I’m not taking this shit”.

Alf Garnet: “Don’t you start having a go at me, get off the bloody phone now and don’t call me back or I’m calling the police”.

Dad: Don’t tell people you are selling golf clubs and get pissed off when people call, you stupid man, so you know what? Fuck off”.

The phone was slammed down.

My mum had now turned a deep shade of red from all the held in laughter and collapsed in fits of laughter. I wasn’t fairing much better, my jaw was aching, stomach cramping, I thought I was about to pee.

Walking into the kitchen diner, my dad has never looked so furious…and I’ve seen him furious before. my mum said “What was that all about, didn’t you get the gold clubs”?
“No, I don’t know what his problem is, stupid old man. I told him I don’t want the bloody golf clubs, the bloke needs a good hiding” Who gave you his number?

We finally let out our laughter and told him it was a prank….. that really didn’t go down too well, he gave us a look of pure evil, if looks could kill… screwed up his mouth and walked out of the room, swearing may I add.

Dad refused to talk to us for the rest of the night.

We stuffed our own plastic bags under the door, sat there replaying the call, still laughing… well at least he couldn’t hear us 👍

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to someone else.

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